Making Friends

How to Make Friends

Showing independence is laudable, but every person on the planet needs a friend sometime. All of us have a basic need for social contact and companionship.

Finding acceptance and camaraderie makes us a more complete, well-balanced person, so making friends is important.

Making friends and establishing friendships doesn’t come naturally to everyone, and even for people with natural charisma, establishing a true friendship isn’t always as simple as you might wish. With that in mind, here’s how to make friends in college or in a new city, or anywhere else, for that matter.

Making Friends in College

Be True to Yourself

When you try to become friends with people, be yourself. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and you’ll bring a unique aspect to any friendship you make. That only can happen if you don’t pretend to be something you aren’t or put on false airs to impress people. Making friends is often different than meeting women, and you should understand the difference.

This means you shouldn’t talk about accomplishments you’ve had that didn’t really happen. You shouldn’t tell lies or make up stories to make yourself look better. Don’t imply you have one set of beliefs or values, if you don’t mean it. Don’t offer opinions that aren’t your own.

This doesn’t mean you have to be in-your-face about your opinions and ideas. It’s better to avoid talk of several things when meeting new people, whether it’s friends or girlfriends. A few of those things to be avoided are religion and politics. Don’t lie. Just avoid the topic.

Be Accepting of Others

The flip side of being yourself is accepting others for who they are. That’s essentially what you’re asking others to do when you are honest about yourself, so you should give others the same courtesy. If someone doesn’t have exactly the same ideas, opinions, style of dress, or musical tastes as you, that’s not a reason to shun them. In fact, meeting new types of people and exposing yourself to new ideas is a good way to grow.

Accepting others doesn’t mean you have to adopt their ideas and opinions.

Aristotle said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

That means you can expose yourself to new ideas and keep an open mind about them without being changed by them or even accepting their premise. Keep an open mind, but reserve the right to disagree. When two friends approach a friendship in that way, the two can enrich each other’s lives, without one becoming a leader and the other a follower.

Spend Time with People

Practice meeting people and getting to know others. Spend time around people that you normally wouldn’t spend time with. You won’t get to know people playing video games or watching the television. Everyone needs a little relaxation and entertainment in their lives, but this shouldn’t dominate their lives. Instead, put out the effort to meet more people.

Join Clubs and Organizations

Whether you are going to school or you go in every day to a job, keep an eye out for clubs and organizations you can join associated with these places.

In a workplace, you might join a company softball team or get involved in a fundraising effort. At school, there are going to be all kinds of school-sanctioned clubs and extracurricular activities and organizations to join. Search for bulletin boards around campus or around work.

Don’t just join any old group, though. Find subjects you’re interested in and make these your priority. This allows you to meet people with common interests, whether the club is based around a hobby or subject you find interesting. This doesn’t necessarily contradict my advice to be accepting of others, because you’ll find a club about your favorite hobby to attract all kinds of people with completely different tangential interests.

Join a Sports Club

This dovetails with what I was talking about in my previous point. You don’t have to be a natural athlete to enjoy sports, and you don’t have to be an athletic star to join a sports-related club. You can find rec league teams and intramural leagues where the emphasis is on having a good time, not necessarily winning.

There are two great things about sports clubs. One is that it keeps you physically active and therefore somewhat fitter. A healthy body usually equals a healthy mind. Two, an “active” club involving sports lets you get to know people while you’re doing something, besides sitting around talking. Sports is an ice-breaker for introverts.

Volunteer – Meeting People and Making Friends

If you absolutely hate sports and you feel like clubs are pointless, help out the local community by volunteering with a charity organization or other cause. Once again, if helping with a foundation, civic club, or policy-related organization is what strikes your imagination, you’re likely to find other like-minded people also volunteering at the same place. As always, these people will share one interest, but they might have completely different personalities, backgrounds, and interests than you, otherwise.

Talk to People – Social Tips

When you attend the meetings for these clubs, or whether you’re just attending school or work, talk to people. That means talking to people you know and conversing with people you don’t know. Make the effort to get to know people and let other people know who and what you’re about.

Talk to anybody and everybody. Having a conversation isn’t against the law, and it’s not against the rules in most places. Don’t edit who you communicate with and get to know. Talk to the receptionist. Talk to the person sitting to your left and to your right. Say hi to the person next to you on the bus or in line at the cash register.

Not every conversation is going to lead to a friendship. Most may never get beyond the polite level. But as you talk to people, you are practicing meeting people and talking in general. Don’t build walls between you and other people. Instead, break down the barriers keeping you from getting to know others in your life. Remember, you shouldn’t view talking to other people as a means to an end, but an end unto itself.

Make Eye Contact – Smile at People

Don’t avoid eye contact with people. Don’t always frown at the people you meet. Instead, occasionally make eye contact with the people around you. Instead, smile at the people you meet.

Both of these are invitations to open up a conversation. When people see you smiling, they understand that you’re friendly and open to conversation. It’s like seeing a dog wag its tail–you know the person is in a friendly disposition.

Understand Small Talk

Small talk has a purpose. It keeps the conversation going in-between the heavy stuff, while it keeps the dialogue relatively cheery and light. Don’t always dwell on the negative, though two people complaining about a common annoyance can be funny, as well as establish instant camaraderie. If you do so, though, complain with light humor.

Don’t Ramble – Listen to Others

Sociologists and skilled conversationalists say the best conversations have both give and take. That is, you both listen and you talk. The best percentage of talking to listening is something like 70% listening and 30% talking. While people want to get to know others, they are naturally more interested in their own ideas and problems, so if you listen more than you talk, the other person will naturally come away thinking that was a real interesting conversation.

Even windbags like to hear other people talk occasionally, though, if nothing else to get a reaction and see if other people think they are right. So don’t entirely shut up and let others carry the conversation. Give your opinion and say what’s on your mind. Whether they agree or not, they’ll remember you had your own ideas about the topic being discussed.

This goes for conversations with the same sex or the opposite sex. That is, if you meet a girl and start a conversation, don’t agree with her so she’ll like you. She’s more likely to be impressed if you disagree with her, because you’ve presented a challenge to her, shown her you have the confidence to state your own opinion, and you aren’t going to unconditionally give the girl “her way”. That’s a good thing, I promise you.

Highlight the Positive – Downplay the Negative

Give your real opinion, whether you agree or not. But when the two of you do have a common interest, ask them more about it. This is a time for you to bond. The two of you can’t be in disagreement about everything. In the process of a conversation, you’ll naturally agree on some things and disagree on others. This is a dynamic relationship based on common interests and mutual respect in the case of disagreements.

Seize the Day – Arrange Another Meeting

If you aren’t likely to meet again, try to arrange a second conversation or get-together. Maybe you ask them to come to a club meeting you think they’ll enjoy (another reason to join clubs). Maybe you ask them to get a coffee or lunch together. Whatever the case, keep it open to further interaction. If they ask you to do something that sounds positive, agree.

Ask Their Name

At the end of the first conversation, ask their name. If they gave their name at the start of the conversation, ask again. It will be impressive on your second meeting if you remember their name, while making you appear smart and on-the-ball, so make sure to get their name before ending your first interaction.

Be a Friend – Be Reliable and Trustworthy

Once the two of you start to get to know one another, start establishing your credentials as a friend. That means being trustworthy and always telling them the truth. That means being reliable and doing what you say you’re going to do. If you give a time for a meeting, be on time. Even the little things matter.

Also, be a friend. This means listening when the other person has a complaint or is feeling a little down. This means paying attention to whatever they find interesting. Don’t be too touchy, especially at first. Establish a positive relationship, because whatever negative baggage you have will come out soon enough.

When you first meet someone, don’t pressure them in any way. This especially applies to pressuring them into social situations they don’t feel comfortable with. This also might simply mean that you should avoid pressuring the person to be friends with you. Play it cool. Be friendly. See where it goes.

Choose Friends Wisely

At the same time, if you feel this person isn’t good for you, drop the acquaintance. If this person pressures you into actions or settings you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t give in to their pressure. If you feel like this person is a negative influence or isn’t going to be good for you in the long run, avoid their friendship.

Unhealthy friendships are no friendships at all. You want to avoid the old “with friends like these, I don’t need enemies…” scenario. The point of having a friend is that they are a positive influence on your life. They support you, enrich your life, and make you a better person. You do the same for them. That’s what making friends is about.

Making Friends

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