Divorced Dating
Divorced Dating
Divorce doesn’t mean the end of your love life. Dating after a divorce is a necessary part of the healing process. Divorced dating is pretty much the same as dating before your divorce, with a few hitches and a little heartbreak thrown in for good measure.
When To Start Dating After a Divorce
The easiest answer to this question is–whenever you want. You should feel free to date someone as soon as you are comfortable. After all, your divorce is final. There’s nothing immoral about dating after a divorce.
The real trick is to figure out when your heart has healed enough to allow you to date. There are lots of ground rules that people will try to tell you after a divorce–some say to wait a year, some say eighteen months, and still others will suggest you go out the day your divorce is final. Don’t listen to any of this.
The only “right time” to date after a divorce is when your brain tells you it is right. Depending on the length of your marriage, the number of children you had, or the cause of your divorce, your personal window for divorced dating will be different. A young person who was married for a year or so will probably go through less post divorce trauma than a person married for forty years who has grandchildren with their ex.
One rule of thumb that may be good advice–try not to start dating while you’re going through a divorce. If your divorce is litigious, dating someone will put your case in jeopardy, and could affect your ability to gain any custody of your children. If a judge hears evidence that you are dating during a divorce, the outcome will likely be different from if you stayed single. So, for the best result, avoid dating before you divorce is final.
Should I Date Another Divorcee?
Again, the short answer is very simple–”Yes.” In general, divorced people have better success dating other divorced people. Common sense says that a divorced person and someone who has never been married are going to see things differently. Divorce changes us, and we usually fit best with other people who have gone through a divorce.
Having said that, there’s no study or scientific proof to suggest that divorced people actually have more success with other divorced people. Many people may see a relationship between two divorced people as “doomed”–neither of these people could keep their first marriage together, so how can they do it now?
This is a negative view of divorce that is unfortunately quite common. We shouldn’t think of divorce as a failure, but as a success of the legal system and of our psyches that came together to allow us to move on from a hurtful past relationship. Really, the question of whether or not you should date another divorced person comes down to your personal preference.
Reasons to Avoid Divorced Dating
If you’re not sure if you’re ready to date after your divorce, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Will dating after my divorce affect my children?
If you have kids, you have to consider the effect that divorced dating may have on them. Kids of a certain age are most likely to be hurt by a divorce, young children up until about age 18. The older they are, the more input they’re likely to have on your dating life post-divorce. If your kids are old enough, talk to them about dating after your divorce, and make them feel like a part of the decision.
2. Am I dating “at” my ex?
This is the most common divorced dating mistake. Many of us have had nasty divorces and we found ourselves using our dating life as a weapon. This isn’t healthy behavior, and God forbid your children see you acting this way. You should be dating after a divorce for yourself, not to burn your ex.
3. Am I ready to fall in love again?
Dating can lead to love in the blink of an eye. Dating means putting yourself out there, vulnerable to new love. Are you ready to be in love? Can you support an emotional relationship?
Divorced dating is a complicated issue. Your best bet when thinking about dating after a divorce is to err on the side of caution. Talk everything out with your support system, let your kids in on the decision if they are of age, and trust your heart. Divorce doesn’t mean the end of your life, but it does require more finesse when it comes to dating.
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This entry was posted on Friday, May 7th, 2010 at 8:24 am and is filed under Dating, Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.